I Shouldn’t Be Here…
Everyone has a story. In today’s interconnected and chaotic world it feels like originality and depth are missing. We are spinning faster and faster and it feels like everyone is jockeying for position to protect what’s theirs. “Get it while you can” seems to be the mantra, and I just can’t stay silent. Too many people are in pain … too many people are lost … too many people live in darkness.
I don’t know why, but I’m fine with being that loud social media guy that tries and keeps things real. The algo needs balance. I feel we are all here to designed to help one another, but if you look at what’s wrecking minds it’s a comparison of one’s life to another. The algos are designed for engagement .. they are designed to have us arguing … in many cases they are designed to amplify our egos for a sense of acceptance via likes and shares.
I can’t help but notice that our competitiveness has distracted us from a deeper connection with our kids and with the natural world. The world feels shallow … and it’s not just an online feeling.
It could just be that I see the world differently as I age … but I think it’s deeper than that. Not many people know that I tried to take my life when I was in High School. I feel like as I continue my walk, certain things need to be said. The older I get and the more my mission is defined and validated, the more I could care less what others think. I just feel a deep calling to help others … especially in times like these.
Sure what a 15-year-old kid goes through is completely different than what a person at a later stage may be going through … but the very thought of taking your life … and in my case, actually trying to carry the deed out is completely relatable. There is no darker thought than to take your own life …
The weight of the world can crush you if you don’t have a strong spiritual foundation. For me it was a perfect storm, parents going through a divorce after I found out my Dad lived a life of lies his entire marriage, my Sister was away at University … I had terrible grades … hormone imbalances … I wanted to pull the ripcord.
I wrote a note, made a mixed tape (cause music stirs my soul), downed an entire bottle of sleeping pills, and thought that was it …
I woke up in a haze 6 hours later with my Mom screaming from outside the door to get ready for school. I felt paralyzed … I was in shock … I was still on this planet? WTF .. that wasn’t the plan …
I finally dragged my ass out of bed and put the note and tape under my bed .. my Mom must have known something was up. While I was in the shower she found the empty bottle, the tape, and the note …
She frantically called the school and they advised that she take to the hospital .. but I refused. I was still in some sort of fog … the next thing I remember I was in front of a school counselor … Mr. Hooker .. man was that painful. I just wanted to sleep...
But I’m here ..
Three years later I made a run for the mountains … 11:11’s and all other synchrony started popping off … it was at the exact same time I started to question my own existence again. But this time it was different … I started to ask questions .. I started talking to myself … I started exploring nature on my own. I’d walk trails … I’d sit by waterfalls … I’d watch cows graze … I surrendered to a force I couldn't see. I learned to be still. I was never so deeply alone … and that’s what it took.
Be a trigger.
The world is spiritually depleted. I think that is changing and I feel like the people that have a calling on their life feel the need to help usher in the “Great Awakening” … help with “The Shift,” or whatever the heck is happening.
I should be dead … there are multiple times I could have been killed.
I’m here to remind people about how there is guidance that is always seeking you. I post like a madman cause I can sense when darkness is winning. I can’t explain it, but you start to learn how to read energy … “vibes” … whatever.
People need jolts … whether it be laughter, jabs of truth, engaging questions … we need to inject curveballs to have the collective conscious go deeper.
A lot of people just watch on social media…it’s become the new channel surfing… you can sense it. Some avoid it entirely … and I get that. But when you've been to the lowest of lows, you can’t turn away from the energy you know is consuming souls.
I’m sure everyone can sense the social media subconscious has gone from posting pics of “It’s a Wonderful Life/look at me” to spiritual memes, reminders from Nature, words of encouragement, etc. It’s all a part of the collective subconscious coming together.
Me being me, I want to go deeper … I want people to know that this is truly an amazingly insane time to be alive. That spiritual foundation needs to be found by all.
A lot of people feel uncomfortable walking into various houses of worship … I get that … anything I can do to have people explore how they have been pre-wired for greatness and the energy that’s around them at all times, I’m going to do it.
Certain supernatural things will happen when you believe in a higher power with all of your heart and soul. Many you feel like you can’t share due to the sheer insanity of it all …
…those things happen to me daily … all as reminders … as winks … as nods.
One thing that took my breath away and has made me want to post about my suicide attempt happened on a drive from Florida to Upstate NY. My Mom got caught in Florida when Covid was escalating back in 2020. She had to stay with us for a few months, and there was no way I was going to have her drive back up … just too many variables.
I took her car for the 25+ hour haul. One thing that happened that I will never forget that during the drive … around 2am the U2 song “With or Without You” came on … that was a song that I had on my mixed tape that I left … at first I thought no big deal … her car wasn’t equipped with satellite radio and I had gotten tired of Spotify … didn’t think much of it …
… I then switched channels … and there it was again … and then again … .and again … the song literally came on at least 5x on 5 different channels … all in a row. I started to cry so intensely that I had to pull over and pray … it was a scene out of the Twilight zone … it felt that my spirit was connecting with something in the passenger seat …. it was TRULY incredible.
U2 isn’t a band I seek often and I never really gave that song much thought after that incident … but for that to happen was just a reminder that he’s not done with me.
Suicide is a very serious issue. As we go down this never-ending board game of “WTF” remember my story … a lot of people have a similar story. These stories need to be said.
…so as the algo continues to show you glorious lives of others, I’ll do all I can to be real … to try and be a voice for the voiceless … I’ll do my best to radiate love to all dimensions .. to all walks of life … we are all in a battle …
… I fight hard and scream for nature’s behalf because I’ll never forget what it did for me when I was in my darkest days … and in my brightest … to me, the natural world is where the ultimate grid can be seen by all … the simplest of moments in nature should remind me of just how small, yet how big of an impact you can make.
Seek what is seeking you … trust me … it’s inside of you.